Tuesday, 11 January 2011

It's a hard life....

It's a bit of a dilemma really, isn't it?  What do you do when all hope for a cure is finally gone?  Struggle on in the same vein for another 14 years, or decide that you've had enough, and move on.  There really is no in between anymore.  I dunno, I think life is sacred, it's true.  However hard I try, I can't shake off the belief that there's something bigger than us in charge.  But I also believe that they would understand.  Having watched the surgery, the complications, the struggles, and (lets be honest here!) the psychosis, surely they would understand that there comes a time when a person just cannot do it anymore?

I had plans for the future again.  I was going to go back to college and get a phD in Psychology, I was going to study and become a trailblazer in the field of mental health.  I was going to get fit, grow my hair, and hoist up my saggy bits so I looked like a pneumatic barbie doll!!  I was going to go out and campaign for gay rights again.  I was going to be the person I used to be before all this sickness entered my life.  I'm angry, y'now, and I never lost that feeling.  I'm angry that I didn't get the chance to show the world who the hell I could be without a complicated life.

Just before this all happened, I was 17/18, doing very well indeed at college (an amazing college, although who knows how I managed to get in, lol).  I had a job, I had a voluntary job with the youth service, I had an outstanding social life.  I didn't look too shabby either.  I had boyfriends, sure.  I had girlfriends too!  And I didn't give a damn what anyone thought about me.  I asked an old friend of mine a couple of days ago, who did I used to be?  I have only seen her twice in the last ten years, so she still remembers the old me.  She said I used to be inspirational.  And flamboyant, lol.  And if people questioned me for being flamboyant, I would have said 'your problem, NOT MINE!!'.  These days I'd probably say 'Oooops, sorry...' Hahaha, she actually compared me to Freddie Mercury.  Oh dear, dahhhhling, methinks I used to overdo it, hahahaha...

I think that sums it up.  I had plans to be out there, and instead, all these years later, I find that I have become invisible.  I keep in touch with only about four people.  Noone knows who I am anymore.

Sorry for going on, it's been a rough night tonight.  Have been sat up coughing into a nebuliser, which just makes the old head hurt terribly badly.  I will truly be glad when this is over.

Lol, I just read this through and it sounds pathetic.  I'm not really pathetic, I guess I just have pitiful thought processes from time to time. 

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