Tuesday, 18 January 2011

Easy come, easy go... Any way the wind blows!

Today has been  pretty uneventful.  To be honest, I slept through most of it.  The breathing issues are making me tired these days, and I have the most awful headache imagineable.  I went to a very low price budget supermarket today to buy some yummies.  My finances no longer stretch to Marks and Sparks, lol.  The joys of living on disability benefit, eh?  Anyway, I managed to get some bargains.  Some beautifully fresh fruit, for starters.  i bought some little oranges, and some bigger ones, and also kiwi fruit.  I have to avoid the harder stuff because of my delicate toothies :D  I've been munching on the clementines all night; all that Vitamin C goodness, mwahaha, yummy yummy...  I also bought a load of soft food in preparation for my surgery next week.  So we have lots of potato based food in the freezer, soup in the cupboard, and yogurt in the fridge.  I got a trolley full of food, and it came to the grand total of; £32!!  Absolute bargain.  I've also discovered that I love their version of sugar free coke, so I got like five bottles.  I really hope my dentist never reads this!

That's one of the most annoying things about having been ill for so long.  I cannot afford anything expensive.  I can't afford anything cheap!  I can't buy the new clothes that I so badly need.  Like underwear.  I've stopped wearing socks because I just can't afford them.  And all of my scummy sweat pants have holes in them.  My T shirts are all marked up.  And my skirts are all too big.  I'm surviving on three pairs of leggings and a denim skirt.  So if I could have anything in the world right now, I would choose my health first, and if that were not possible, I'd ask for a couple of hundred quid to update my wardrobe.  That's the thing with illness, it affects your finances.  And with no money, you can't eat properly, which makes you feel lousy.  You can't go out, which makes you feel isolated.  And you can't dress and make yourself up nicely, which really bothers me now.

I noticed, when I first worked in the city, that if I walked through a train station in my business suit, people would walk around me.  I would be served with respect in shops, and people would address me directly when speaking to me.  If I made exactly the same journey in a track suit and trainers, I may as well have been invisible.  It was crazy.  I was the same, it was just the public perception of me that changed.

Anyway, this is how I feel right now; invisible.  My husband seems to think I have an endless supply of money; I don't.  And what I do have, he needs to pay this, that and the other.  Yeah, right.  But it means that as a woman, I can't do all the things that make me feel feminine.  I would kill for a nice haircut, maybe to have my nails done, a few new clothes.  They wouldn't have to be expensive; right now, I'd settle for second hand!!

I don't feel like me anymore.  It's something else the TS has taken.  Maybe one day, I'll find myself again.  But it's prbably not going to happen until I can breathe better.  I'm trying to do the right thing and accept that.

If someone could offer you a great day out, where would you go an what would you do?  Me, I would go for a day out at the theatres in London.  I'd see two performances, and get to meet the cast, who would give me all the merchandise from the show.  And I'd take lots of pictures.  I love all those T shirts and caps and mugs and things that you get when you go to see a show in theatreland.  I miss doing that.  I miss having the money to do that.

God, I sound so mercenary.  But it's true, to a certain extent, that money makes the world go round.  It's not essential, but it does open doors.  I wish that a few doors would open for me right now.  I just seem to have lost the ability to figure out how that can happen.

1 comment:

  1. From what I recall, when you are on benefits for a while, you can apply for certain grants. Such as a decorating grants and perhaps a clothing grant. It works kinda like a loan that you dont have to pay off. Maybe worth looking at, or speaking to someone in Citizens advice.

    As for clothing, you lose as London dont have many Asdas, especially not big ones. I love my asda clothes, there cheap, yet fairly good quality. I often get my stuff in the sales and its rare I pay over £10 for jeans and £3 t shirts. Perhaps, worth looking online, though you would have to pay postage. Other good sources are ebay. Maybe you could try to get perhaps one small item every fortnight.