Monday, 21 November 2011

Decisions, decisions...

Well, my ent appointment was a washout.  He had a look at the top of the stent, said 'it's still there', and that was it.  I mean, I could have told HIM that!!  He told me that they are only allowing them to do these transplants on people who are imminently at deaths doors.  So, while my condition is serious, as I am plodding along with the stensts, the government expects me to remain that way.  They are ignoring the fact that alll of the tissue in my airway is no stone like scar tissue, and that leaves me ripe for a collapse or obstruction/arrest at any time.  Do they expect me to wait for that?  Fucking idiots, I hope they boil in hell.

And as for this lump, I can't take the anticipation.  I have a little sharp razor, and an almost copnstant supply of diazepam.  And I confess, my brain is asking me whether or not to cut it out myself.  As I say, decisions decisions...  My feelings regarding my airway are similar.  I guess that I am in what they would call a critical but stable situation.  So what would happen if I were to induce a slightly less stable situation?  If it looks shaky, they would have to fix it.  Properly.  And they wouldn't have to explain themselves to the givernment, would they?  I would fit the criteria fine.

I'm not saying I will do this today, but it feels good to at least have a plan.  I will need the surgery eventually anyway, so all I would be doing is potentially bringing the date forward.  Hmmmm...

I don't advocate self surgery, by the way.  Where airways are concerned, it's best left to the experts.  My situation is different to most people though; I am already dying, albeit slowly, from the complications of the TS.  So death in my case would be sad, but inevitable.  Until that moment that I cannot stand to be alive any more, I will keep fighting tooth and nail for survival.  Life is a gift.  Breathing does help you appreciate it though!!

Have a lovely daqy, and get out there and smell the fresh air.  If you live in London, it's probably better to stay inside and avoid the traffic fumes!!

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