Hey there!
I've been thinking about living with TS a lot this week. Normally, it doesn't bother me so much; I try and let my personality override any physical disability that I might have. But sometimes, there is just no getting away from the fact that my airway is damaged beyond repair, and my voice is damaged also. The scarring on my neck is also messy and very very obvious.
I was in the supermarket, packing my groceries. I spoke to the cashier, who said 'what?'. I spoke to him again and again, and got the same response. However hard I tried, he just could not ( ort would not) understand me. My voice used to be very low and smooth, but I had grown to like it. I was told that I sounded kinda like Mariella Frostrup. But now my voice is very low, and sounds damaged. I sound like I have a permanent and very bad case of laryngitis. And I hate it. Sometimes, people greet me with 'hello sir!', even though it is blatantly obvious that I am not a man. And a lot of the time people say to me 'you have a cold, don'r you'. There are only so many times that you can explain the same thing before you lose your composure. I shouldn't complain, I spent over a year with no voice at all (which was horrific), but I really feel as if |I have lost part of my identity. It's something that I get kinda depressed about. I joke about it when I am at work. I tell people on the phone that I am faking a sexy voice. The men love it. The OB/GYN doctors love it the most.
The scarring on my neck gives me problems sometimes. Although I am now very much used to it, the general public are obviously not. I get a lot of children staring at me, and sometimes the adults join in. They should know better, so I tend to stare back. I am a human being and not an exhibit in soe kind of open zoo. I am a young ish woman and I want to look attractive. But there is no way to cover the scarring, or to make the shape of my leck look normal. I don't want to wear a scarf all day every day, and it's a hopel;ess task to try and cover up the scars with makeup. If people get nosy, I tell them that I lose thye plot every now and then and cut my throat open. Then they feel every bit as awkward as their staring makes me feel. It's a childish response, but good for the soul.
The breathing bothers me. Not the actual intake and expiration of air, but the noise that I make when it happens. People can hear my heavy breathing, and they think it's a joke. Hahahahaha. Not funny, is it?
Sorry for sounding so bitter. Its just that this week has led me to think more about dfying. I've experienced respiratory arrests on several occasions, and I am terrified that that is the way I will die. It's why I have been looking into Swiss clinics such as dignitas. I wish to choose death on my terms. Not a lot of people agree with me, but everyone has thwe right to their own opinion.
I hope that you all don't have to wrangle with this TS thing for as long as I have. But if you do, then you have to fight as hard as you can to be able to live the life you want. And there is no shame in admitting you can't cope, and asking for help. If I c an ever help, please let me know. I will do my very best.
I shall cheer up before I post again. Have a lovely week peoples XXX
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