Friday, 24 June 2011

Fed up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional.


It's been one of those days.  Do you know the kind I mean?  Everything feels just a bit 'eh'.  I've had a falling out with somebody who I thought was a really great friend.  I'm not sure really what's upset him, and he certainly isn't telling me.  He just keeps making odd little comments, which suggest he either thinks I'm stupid, or a liar, and both of those implications really and truly hack me off.  If someone has a problem with me, I prefer them to tell me to my face.  None of these silly mind games, I just can't stand that at all.  I sent him a text saying something like 'these are the joys of immortality', and he replied with 'there are many joys about solipsism', or something very similar.  Solipsism is the belief that nothing outside your own mind is real, and so what he was implying was that I'm selfish/self absorbed.  That I don't care about anything outside of my immediate psyche.  Was I supposed to laugh?  I felt it to be a nasty and petty little joke. 

Something changed between us a couple of weeks ago.  I really don't know what caused the change, it was just a subtle awareness that things were very different between us.  I always felt close to this particular friend, in a purely platonic way, because he was one of the few people who I thought I could trust.  And now I've realised that perhaps I was overreaching.  I do that sometimes, I suppose, it's part of life.  But it's disappointing.  I have to stand by my principles and beliefs, and I simply cannot be friends with somebody who is going to treat me badly.  I've never held his depression against him, and he's certainly been very rude on more than one occassion because of it, because nobody can help a mood disorder.  But he all of a sudden has started to second guess everything I've ever said to him, and right now I feel like I'm in the midst of some bizarre history test.  He actually got annoyed with me because I mentioned I knew more than five people.  He said, 'so, you told me you only had five friends'.  And I said 'I told you I only had five close friends', I know a lot of people who I consider to be friends, but some I've never even met (efriends), and some I haven't seen for ages.  But I still class them as friends.  I think I probably know about 500 people who I consider to be friends on some level.  But as I said, there's only five that I see regularly.  And he seemed to get even more uptight about that.  I honestly don't understand firstly what I've done wrong here, and secondly why I need to explain myself to someone who is neither husband, nor family, nor someone I even particularly like right now. 

So I think that I'm going to have to take a rare and unprecendented step for me, and I'm going to have to lose him as a friend.  I don't need the stress.  He will leave a big hole in my life, for sure, but I can and will move on.  Life goes on, as Leann Rimes says.  I won't be fooled again, as in the words of the Who.  I stuck up for my friend time after time, I got into row after row with my husband.  I've had enough.  I want and need a quiet life.  So for the first time ever, I'm going to delete a facebook friend, and I'm going to try and block their calls and messages.  Life is too short to surround yourself with toxic people, isn't it?

Sorry for going on and on.  My friends have always meant so much to me, and I've never had to actively separate myself from them before.  I find it hard.  But how can I care for somebody who firstly thinks I'm a liar, and secondly things I'm stupid enough to not get the obvious jokes he's trying to make at my expense.  I just don't enjoy those kind of friendships.

Sorry for boring you with my trauma.  I was going to write about mood and TS.  I always find that the more stressed and anxious I am, the worst the pain is, and the harder it gets to breathe.  But I feel too emotionally wrung out already.  I've been stewing over what to do about my so called friend instead.  I wish I could fix it, but clearly that isn't going to be possible.  Breaking up is hard to do.

On the good side, my chest is starting to clear, so hopefully I will be feeling significantly better in the morning.  I hope that life is treating you well today, and that you are breathing well and enjoying your day.  Take care of yourself, and be thankful for the people who support you day in day out, those people are worth their weight in gold. 

A big shout out to all my friends, both old and new, I love you all.  Sweet dreams.

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