Tuesday, 21 June 2011

Philosophical me.

Good morning people, hope that you're waking up to a fine sunny vista.  I'm not, I have to say.  I've been awake all night.  I just couldn't settle, I guess.  Maybe it's a side effect of not taking the lithium (shhh, don't tell anyone!), or maybe it's just general worrying.  Whatever, the voices in my head wanted to talk, lol.

I tried listening to some music.  I went through the selection, from Evita to Les Mis, from Daughtry to Daniel Bedingfield.  None of it quite hit the spot.  Then I played an old song, Runaway Train by Soul Asylum.  Obviously, it's a song about runaway kids, but I always found the lyrics so beautiful, for lack of a better word.  'Call you up in the middle of the night, like a firefly without a light, you were there like a blowtorch burning, I was a key that could use a little turning.  So tired that I couldn't even sleep, so many secrets I couldn't keep.  I promised myself I wouldn't weep.  One more promise I couldn't keep.  It seems noone can help me now, I'm in too deep there's no way out.  This time I have really led myself astray'.  And you know something?  That's exactly how I feel right now with my TS.  I'm caught between a rock and a hard place.  I can't stand the treatment but I have to have it.  Because what are the other options?  So thanks again to Soul Asylum for giving my feelings tonight a voice.  Btw, their records are on ITunes.  I'm only saying that so they don't sue me for using their lyrics, mwahahahaha...

This morning I have to go and see the delightful (and frankly slightly mental) Dr Hamilton.  I'm going to have one last attempt at sorting out the pain control issues, before I feel the need to take things into my own hand, get my drift?  My GP is a nice chap. Actually, he isn't....he's incredibly intelligent and has, I think, a genuine with to help people with serious health conditions.  But he is presented day in day out with the same people with the same old problems.  And I guess there's only so much enthusiasm you can muster when you've seen your fiftieth cold of the day.  Either way, he has more good days than bad.  The bad days are horrible, I was subject to one last time I went.  The queue for the surgery was out of the doors of the shopping centre, it was ridiculously long.  And this was before they even opened.  By the time I made it into the appointment, he was staring at his watch.  He muttered something about slipped discs and shoved a handful of prescriptions at me.  I was like 'what slipped discs?  What are you talking about?'  But gave it up as a bad job, reasining that even the best of us have bad days.  When he has good days, he is responsive and creative, offering new solutions to the problem, rather than the standard 'I'll give you some co codamol'.  I suppose all things in life must balance.

I have to fill in this form.  So far I've done the bit where you list your medical problems.  I have a 12cm long full thickness tracheal stenosis.  I have a 12 cm long section of trachea that flops in when put under pressure, and this is known as trachomalacia.  I have lumbar spondylosis.  I'm honestly not quite sure what that it, but I know it hurts.  I have sacroiliitis, which is inflammation of the sacrum.  Again, this is excruciating.  I have facet hypertrophy, which are bony growths on the facet joints of my spine.  I have disc degeneration in the spine.  I have some kind of sciatic nerve damage.  I suffer chronic fatigue and pain.  And bipolar disorder with psychotic features, in other words, type 1.  They have given me a tiny little box to fill all this in.  Silly people. 

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