Saturday, 25 June 2011


Hey there,

Hope you're having a fine old day.  Unfortunately, I'm still not well, and have been in bed for most of the day.  I don't know what's wrong with me, I just feel generally urgh.  I have a chest infection, so it could be that, but I wish it would hurry up and go away. 

Life has been stressful today.  I have a 'friend' who has been a little cold with me.  I tried asking him what was wrong, and he didn't answer.  He kept sending me monosyllabic text messages, which left me feeling distinctly paranoid and edgy.  So today I asked him out straight, what the hell is going on?  And he said that it was a misunderstanding on both sides over some text messages.  Not very helpful, as he won't tell me exactly what I'm supposed to have said that upset him so much.  I have a personal dislike for people who play games.  I guess that it's part of my illness, but I need people to be direct with me.  When they play silly beggars, I just can't follow what's going on.  So although on paper we have agreed to disagree, right now I feel as if I never want to see him again.  He has an illness that affects his moods, so I try and allow for that, but I think I've been pushed a little too far.  Fine, if someone goes cold on you, that's their right, but they don't have the right to play mind games and stress you out in the process.  I can deal with a friend who never wants to see me again, but I cannot deal with a friend who wants to make my life miserable in the process.  So what do i do?  My gut feeling right now is that it isn't worth persuing it, but I've known him for eight years.  I've even rowed with my husband in the process of defending him.  I think it's a toxic friendship and I'm best off out.

The crochet blanket is coming along nicely, and it looks great where I've sewn it up with the metallic wool.  I'm so proud of it already, and it will sit nicely over my rocking chair. 

I will write properly when I feel better and less fed up.  Right now my chest is killing me, and I feel exhausted.  Emotionally drained as well.  I never have been able to handle stress, it immediately makes my mind go to dark places.  Suicide would be a blessed release, but I don't think I have the bottle!!  I have a nasty feeling that I'm going to have to wait for mother nature to make the choice for me.

I hate losing friends, especially when I'm unclear as to why.  I don't feel comfortable with him anymore, it always feels like I'm walking on glass trying to avoid his sensitivities.  Yes, he might be left lonely and upset, but as harsh as it sounds, I have other things to worry about.  Stress is not good for my illness, so I have to remove all sources of it. 

Life is hard, isn't it?  Okay, I'm off to do me nebuliser and take my medication.  That might take a while.  Night all, and sweet dreams!

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