Thursday, 7 July 2011

Another bit of rotten news

hello there, sorry about the lack of appropriate punctuation in the following post, my shift key has given up the ghost.  won't be long till the laptop follows suit.  that was not, however, my bad news lol

so, yesterday i had an appointment with the pain specialist at queen's hospital in romford.  he was a nice enough man, but one of those doctors who believes that the patient is ignorant and the doctor is all powerful.  I had hoped that the doctor would be able to offer me some insight as to why i have been in so much pain.  i have a long standing issue with my back, and a terrible nerve/muscle/bone pain in my leg.  also, i have a sensitivity to pressure, which causes cascading nerve pain whenever people touch me.  so i had hoped that the doctor would be able to give me some insight as to why these pains are getting worse.  instead, he delivered a monologue, which i did my best to interrupt and ask questions, and he informed me that he would be giving me injections in my spine and my left leg, without any kind of sedation, and there was nothing else that could be offered.  according to my MRI scan, there is damage to the centre of my spine, the facet joints, the nerves and the discs. And because the damage goes through every structure in the spine, there is no chance of any surgeon ever performing spinal fusion, or any similar operation.  what that means to me though, is that the excruciating pain that i feel on a daily basis is here to stay.  and that blew my mind.  I came out of the doctor's office, and totally fell to pieces.

so i somehow ended up in A and E, where i saw the duty psych liaison.  my history of bipolar disorder and suicide attempts was enough to get me an audience, apparently.  so in came this guy, i don't know if he was a doctor, nurse, or social worker, but whoever he was, i could barely understand what he was saying.  the upshot of it was, i have a psychiatrist, whether he is here at the moment or not, so they were unwillin to intervene.  so i laughed and said, 'why am i not surprised?' and staggered home.

so when i got home, i went through the motions of dinner, nebuliser, medication, bed.  but i just did it all in a kind of haze.  i think that i've reached the limit of bad news.  my brain just couldn't handle any more. 

today has been interesting.  i woke up late ish, and i expected to find a missed phone call from my care coordinator regarding last night.  and you know what?  not a sausage.  Nothing.  nice to know they care.  when i came out of the pain specialists office i was genuinely feeling very desperate.  and i asked for help.  and got almost none.  but nobody can say i didn't try now, can they.

i have to say though, that the nurse who was on the reception desk was very, very nice to me.  She looked genuinely concerned, and she managed to get me through the absolute witch who was on triage, without me having to say anything much.  she also sent somebody after me when i left in disgust to get the bus home.  so thank you to that nurse, whatever her name was.  I'm sorry i don't know it, she deserves to be recognised.  And the receptionist too was lovelty.  Shame the rest of the staff lived up to the reputation of the hospital.

And as for my TS today...  it's okay ish.  my chest is a little tight still because of my allergies, but i think it's starting to loosen up a little.  it's horrible when you try and breathe and it feels like you're wearing an iron vest that's three sizes too small.  My lungs don't expand the way they should because of years of damage from infections, and the very thick mucou produced because of the bronchiectasis.  However, the carbocisteine has made everything a lot easier, so thanks to dr h again for prescribing that.  as i said before, he may be a little bit mental, in a nice way, but he knows what he's doing. 

i hope that today will be quiet and hassel free.  i actually prayed this morning for no more challenges to come my way until i have the strength to cope with them.  i really hope that you all have a lovely day,

take care x

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