Sunday, 3 July 2011

To get to the heart of the story, you have to go back to the beginning...

thanks to the tudors for that quote...

today has been hideous.  it started last night.  i was sat here, tapping away, and all of a sudden the biggest bug you have ever seen in your life fell off my head and on to the laptop.  I am telling you, it was huuuge...  so after banging around for a while trying to kill the bugger, my husband started yelling... again.  things are not going so well in that sense.

i really don't think he likes me anymore.  It's been a slow burn kind of hate.  it began when i fell ill after surgery a couple of years ago, and i ended up in hospital for five weeks.  And then i had to go back for another few weeks.  And he was at work, and not enjoying it.  Anyway, he came to see me one day and announced that he wouldn't be able to continue working unless we got a new car.  This was shortly after he found out that i could trade in my dla for a car.  so he banged on and on about how the car we had could never be fixed, and it was useless etc.  which upset me, because i spent half of the money my grandad left me on it...  so eventually i got him his car.  but by then, he hadn't been to work for two weeks.  There was a saga over the cars.  I picked one, which he then stamped his foot about and said 'omdb, i am never driving that'.  so we ended up picking a huge van like thing.  Anyway, the dealer kept ringing us to put back the delivery date, and this went on for three months.  so eventually i took the call and said 'thanks, but no thanks'.  So we went just down the road, and got the car that i'd chosen in the first place, which husband then declared he wanted to begin with.  And suddenly it was all my fault that we hadn't got this car months ago.  which made me seethe with anger.  what a waste of money.  in the meantime, husband fixed up a deal with some guy in the pub to sell my original car for 150 pounds.  It cost me 5000.  i totally got screwed.  But what could i do/?

anyway, husband kept making up excuses to not go back to work, which ranged from 'i need a new cSCS card', to 'it's the wrong cscs card', to 'there isn't any work' to 'i need to be here to look after you'.  what i think happened is he got sacked for having a go at his manager, but at no point did he tell me what really happened.  So anyway, i ended up with this car which is costing me a third of my income every month.  And my income is tiny.  Ask anyone on benefit, it isn't huge.  and i've also been left with a seething resentment about that damn car which he insisted he needed for a job he knew he would never go back to.

things went from bad to worse.  he doesn't ever want to spend time with me.  he's always involved in doing things for other people, or watching something on the telly.  and when we do visit people together, he spends all his time telling them about how he does everything for me, because i'm so terribly ill.  He makes me feel like a fucking ruin of a person.

my illness has ruined my marriage.  my husband has accused me at various points of pretending that i can't breathe, or pretending i'm in pain, or something similar.  He doesn't understand at all.

i don't think anyone around me does.  i feel as if everything is becoming dark and lonely, and i don't know what to do.  i have one voice in my head telling me to cut my losses and leave him, but i just don't know where to begin.  The other voice in my head wants back the man I fell in love with.  The one who worked terribly hard at everything.  The one who cared about me.  the one who cared about himself. 

sorry for going on.  I'm a little upset and terribly lonely.   my neighbour committed suicide for exactly those reasons.  i found out that she slit her wrists.  She would have had to really want to die, because i tried it and it's bloody painful.

i shall try and cheer up for the morning.  I'm going to go and see dr h in the morning and ask for something different to try and help me sleep.  The temazepam had very little effect.  it just made my pupils dilate, it didn't even relax me.   it's shocking that i've been through 28 zopiclone and 28 temazepam in a week trying to sleep, but needs must i suppose.  i lay up all night worrying otherwise.

my airway hasn't been so bad today.  my chest is a little rattly and i've been coughing up all kinds of junk.  but other than that, it's trotting on.

hope you're having a nice day.  So sorry for offloading on you...

No comments:

Post a Comment