Saturday, 9 July 2011

The truth sometimes hurts; may trigger depressive thoughts.

i just wanted to say thanks for all the thoughtful/helpful comments, both public and private.  it's true, all they can really do is diagnose a mental illness and give you pills to control the worst symptoms.  and the rest is up to you, isn't it, you have to let the pills work and when you're thinking clearly, do the healing from within.

yes, the worst mistake i made was to stop taking the lithium.  it wasn't a spur of the moment decision, it was a consdered if slightly disordered result of my delusional belief that the lithium wasn't what it was meant to be.  then i got it in my head that they were trying to poison me.  then my husband started to go on about how he didn't like the person I became on medication.  and whilst taking it, all i could do was sleep.  i felt so pressurised to just not take it.  So i caved in and gave in.  And i stopped.

so then what happened was i noticed i didn't need to sleep as much.  and then, i didn't need to sleep at all.  My typing got faster, and my writing more prolific.  i became more creative, and began to start project after project, but rarely managed a chain of thought or concentration for long enough to finish something.  but at that point, i was enjoying life.  And then the voices start.  the delusions creep in and suddenly i'm in this pit that feels totally out of control.  And no doctor seems to understand that even though i look moderately high, i actually feel desperate.  it's a different desperation to that you experience in depression.  it's wilder, more unstable and more out of control in an aggressive and agitated way.  I start to get angry at people who are being inconsiderate.  i talk out loud when they walk into me.  i growl at the person who pushes their trolley into my legs.  i growl at the people who let their kids run around and grab at my shopping on the conveyer.  my clothing gets 'bizarre', my hair gets wild and out of control.  but still the outside doesn't reflect the inside.  i end up with my head full of so many thoughts that i cannot grab hold of one and make it sensible.  my head aches all the time, and i walk around talking to people that only i can see.  Talking out loud is the only way to make enough room in my head for my brain to work.  but when that doesn't work, the darker voices speak out.  they tell me i am a prophet, a trailblazer.  That i must stand up to these people because all they're doing is relentlessly poisoning people.  they're charlatans, but they're everywhere.  And omg it just goes on and on and on.  And then it starts to tell me 'just get it over with'.  one handfull of drugs, one quick swipe of a blade.  and it would all be over, my head would just stop hurting.  But inside all that noise, i am still there somewhere, screaming at the other voices 'NO'.  but sometimes i find it hard to be heard.

i tried to ask for help from the professionals because i need them to equip me with the skills to give that inner voice a megaphone and make it loud enough to interrup everything else going on.  I don't have those skills at all.  It's a genuine request for help, although i could understand the frustration of someone thinking 'here we go again'.  To be honest, i do that myself, we are all only human.

i don't know what to do.  One minute i'm sky high and doing the most wonderfully creative things.  I can do everything and anything.  but the next minute i'm wild and desperate, blotchy and covered in tears.  And i cannot pick out the thought from the mess in my head that will tell me why i'm crying, or what i need, or, more importantly, HOW TO MAKE IT STOP.

and that is where the temptation to suicide creeps in.  one hand points the knife at my throat, and the other pulls it away.  Even at the point when i was jumping off the chair with a noose around my throat, one leg went, and the other fought to stay on the chair. 

i know this won't make sense to a lot of people.  I'm just thinking out loud.  but if you could bring yourself to say a prayer for me, i would appreciate it.  i do draw strength from the Bible, and i believe in the power of prayer.  when you have nothing else in life, you always have the power of belief.

SO what do i do next?  i can't make my brain accept that it needs medication.  It just shouts back at me that they are trying to stifle my genius.

i know what tipped me over the edge, so to speak.  the knowledge that i will be in pain forever.  you know how in the spine, there are three main bony structures?  When you look face on at someone's back, these run down the centre, and along either side.  Well, there is damage to all of them, and it is that which means no surgeon will operate.  So it's another one of those things; how am I to accept that this is forever??

that's enough for tonight, i think.  but take care y'all.

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